BDSM 101
Part of being a good kinkster is knowing the basics of BDSM. In order to have a safe, sane, and consensual BDSM play scene, you need to be educated and understand the framework for these role play sessions. These tenets apply both in our virtual online sessions, and in any BDSM play you may do with your real world partners.
What is BDSM? BDSM is what is known as a kink. A kink is a sexual preference or turn on. A fetish is an obsession with a specific experience, body part or object. Kinks and fetishes are totally normal. BDSM is a very common kink.
You’ll find that most kinks and fetishes have an aspect of power play, and that’s because power imbalance, social hierarchy, and control are what govern our lives. Playing around with those dynamics can be thrilling material for our sex lives!
We all have fantasies. They’re generally a mixture of things you’d love to enact in real life and those you would prefer to remain in the fantasy world. They can be very mild or very wild. They can be extremely specific. Or they can be very common.
It’s best to start slow and work your way up when it comes to kink. Many may experience what is known as “Sub Frenzy”, where they want to try ALL THE KINKS RIGHT NOW on their very first scene with a new person. That’s not safe, or sane. So, let’s talk about all of the basics, so that we can have the best possible experience, and be on the same page.
Your Task: Read and Learn about the following topics and then complete the steps at the end.
Your Reward: You will become more educated about the basic tenets of BDSM and Kink. This will help you to negotiate better, as well as be aware of risks, rewards, and other related topics.
A Few Kink Related Terms To Get Familiar With
Consent: Agreeing to certain acts in a BDSM scene or relationship. Practitioners believe that consent is what separates BDSM from assault. Consent by all parties should always be a mandatory first step before any kind of sexual contact with other people. Consent can be withdrawn at any time, by any party, for any reason, and all activities must stop immediately if that happens.
Safe Word: An agreed upon word or phrase that a bottom, sub, or slave can say during a scene to stop the activity or session immediately. Some common safe words are “red,” “red light,” “pineapple,” and “banana.”
BDSM: Bondage & Discipline, Domination & Submission, Sadism & Masochism. BDSM is a variety of often erotic practices or roleplaying involving bondage, discipline, dominance and submission, sadomasochism, and other related interpersonal dynamics. BDSM is a type of physical, psychological and usually sexual power role-play with consensual participants.
Bondage and Discipline: A type of BDSM practice that incorporates bondage (tying, binding, or restraining someone) and discipline (punishing a submissive partner when they break a rule).
Dominance and Submission (D/s): A term for the behaviors or rituals that a submissive person follows in a BDSM relationship. In D/s, one person usually has power over another.
Sadism and Masochism: This subset of BDSM involves inflicting pain or humiliation for the purpose of pleasure or sexual gratification.
Safe, Sane, and Consensual (SSC): Despite how BDSM scenes look from the side, these rules are a must for any healthy BDSM interaction. It’s key that these three points are covered regardless of the kink you engage in, or it risks being abusive and dangerous. SSC helps BDSM practitioners maintain a level of safety at all times while being aware and well-informed about the possible risks. Both parties must agree to what is going on and have a competent (sane) understanding of where the line between fantasy and reality is. For example, your fantasy could be playing with candles, under SSC the person in charge of the wax would be responsible for minimizing any risk of damaging your skin by making sure the wax isn’t too hot. In this way, SSC works to differentiate BDSM from abuse.
Risk Aware Consensual Kink (RACK): This model for BDSM interactions is usually applied where partners’ interest in more risky activities may challenge the ‘safe’ and ‘sane’ definition. The aim is still to keep all parties safe. That although there is risk involved, all parties are well aware of these and have clearly communicated their consent to the risk. Under SSC, things like ‘rape play’ or cutting may be considered too dangerous to engage in. RACK differs from SSC as it places a greater focus on being risk aware and in light of that awareness, consent to the activities in mind. RACK acknowledges that nothing is ever 100% inherently safe.
Dominant or Top: A person who exercises control. The instigator of an action.
Dom: A dominant who is male.
Dominatrix or Domme: A dominant who is female and embraces the feminine gender role.
Pro Domme: A woman who is a professional top and dominant.
Soft Domme: I am a Soft Domme. I may be rough with you during sex if that is your specific kink and you require it, but then soft afterward in aftercare and at other times. A Soft Domme does not rule by fear and humiliation. A Soft Domme is gentle, loving, encouraging, and uplifting. I prefer that you serve me out of love and adoration. To please me, perform acts of love and service for me. I like to be praised, worshipped and adored. Money actually makes me wet. If you are displeasing to me, I would rather banish you than punish you in most cases. I require my subs to be interesting, intelligent, and worthwhile. I do not want subs who require constant punishment, or who are too stupid to follow simple instructions. That does not please me. Likewise, I do not want to have to demand things from you. You should give freely, out of love, because you want to, and because I deserve to be loved and praised.
Submissive or Bottom: One who gives over their rights, their desires and themselves to another as a gift. The receiver of the action.
Switch: A person who sometimes plays a top and sometimes plays a bottom in a BDSM scene.
Sexual Roleplay: When you roleplay, you act out the part of a character or person. Sexual roleplay is roleplay that has a sexual element. It can be a form of foreplay, or it can be the main event. It can be in person, or via phone, text, email or other online means. Many people regard sexual roleplay as a tool to help them overcome sexual inhibitions.
Scene: The actual BDSM activities or encounters that take place are known as a scene.
Hard Limits: An activity that a person in a BDSM relationship absolutely won’t do. A hard limit can’t be negotiated.
Soft Limits: A limit that’s more flexible than a hard limit. It might be an act that a person is hesitant to perform but may be willing to try.
Drop: The physical or emotional exhaustion that takes place after a scene. Both tops and bottoms may experience a drop. Crying, feeling sad, and physical shaking are all signs of a drop.
Aftercare: When a scene is over, aftercare is the emotional and physical care that’s administered, usually by a top. Proper aftercare may be used to prevent a drop.
Edging: Edging, peaking, or surfing is a sexual technique whereby orgasm is controlled. It is practiced alone or with a partner and involves the maintenance of a high level of sexual arousal for an extended period without reaching climax.
Edge Play: BDSM acts that are considered more intense or dangerous, such as breath play.
Breath Play: A form of play when one participant controls their breath. This may include choking or holding the breath.
Vanilla Sex: Used by people in the BDSM community to label sexual behavior that doesn’t involve kink. There is absolutely nothing wrong with vanilla sex. Vanilla is delicious. But sometimes it’s fun to add a bit of caramel or some whipped cream for variety! Kink is the rainbow sprinkles on your scoop of vanilla ice cream. It’s not necessary. But it’s cool to have the option sometimes. 😉
These are just a few of the most commonly used phrases and concepts in BDSM Role Play scenes.
It is time to complete this Task:
1: Make sure that you have read and understand all of the above information. Do not rush. Take all the time you need to read and digest this information.
2: Leave a comment below (or send me a message on OF) stating “I Consent, Mistress”.
3: Include any questions you may have about these topics in your comment.
4: Patiently await my reply. I typically respond within 3-5 days.
5: In the meantime, you may continue on to another task of your choice.
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